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[06 Aug 2007|08:34am] |
I am Mash Potato Johnson.
Let's play some blues.
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| It's not that important |
[12 Jul 2007|01:16pm] |
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mood |
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 depressed |
] |
So, today had a rough start.
Most days don't, this one did.
I guess that's a good start to this..
Well, I hate to be a self-centered or egotistic.
But with that preface, I guess my next sentence should talk about how I am those things.
I try hard to be a good person.
I like to think most people do.
I may be pessimistic sometimes, but I think that's okay.
Everything and everyone needs a balance.
I'm not a cup half empty kind of person.
My dad is.
And that's okay.
Where am I going with this....
See, its better if I write in a paper journal because I type like I talk in this.
Every friend I've ever had I try to please above and beyond normal expectations.
I'm always terrified of losing friends and it always happens anyways.
I've tried normal coping phrases such as "they weren't good friends in the first place if they leave." or "Its not my fault."
I'm finally tired.
I'm emotionally exhausted.
I think what I'm trying to say is I can't face this anymore.
All those people who hate me, you've won.
You've done everything to make my life horrible and you've suceeded.
I'm no longer the emotionally stable person I thought myself to be.
I'm weak and vulnerable.
I hope your happy.
It's perfectly clear this is what you've wanted all along.
But it won't be enough, will it?
To socially ostrize me.
To put me down in any way or form.
To emotionally and mentally break me.
You're going to do more.
I just hope you all read this and are satisfied.
I'm done.
I rather be completely alone than keep getting back up on that horse just to be thrown off soon after.
I'm sorry, but it sucks.
I don't like feeling this way.
And it just feels like I've exhausted every rescource one would use to feel better.
I just want to be left alone.
Is that seriously asking too much?
Just leave me alone.
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| Kindly strangle the person next to you |
[13 Jun 2007|11:45am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 enraged |
] |
| [ |
music |
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the printers printing |
] |
I would love to strangle the person next to me.
Not that they did ANYTHING wrong.
Just wrong place wrong time on their part.
I'm so enraged right now.
I'm at school in the library.
My math class starts at 12:30 and I want to kill a bitch.
Or a guy.
Whoever crosses my path first.
Why am I mad?
Because I'M TIRED OF THE FUCKING LIES
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[16 May 2007|10:33am] |
Sometimes, I wish that people were more available to listen.
I just feel like I miss out on a lot of my chances to vent.
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[18 Feb 2007|03:48pm] |
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mood |
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crappy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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andrew bird |
] |
I'm really sick today.
It's all because of my stomach.
My eye's bothering me too.
It's throbbing.
I'm seeing the doctor, alone, on Tuesday.
Fuck things right now, seriously.
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[24 Sep 2006|08:29pm] |
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I love you Andrew
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| Create |
[22 Sep 2006|11:20am] |
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mood |
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 blah |
] |
I'm having a hard time understranding things.
I woke up early and they wanted me back.
Why?
To pack some shit.
Why do they insist on me remaining silent.
I need help and so do they.
None of their reasons make sense.
None of this makes sense.
Why they make it seem like I'm just desperate for attention is beyond me.
It all hurts.
And I've been bottling all inside.
My back.. kills
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| joy |
[14 Sep 2006|03:02pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 okay |
] |
thats some sick fucking humor
makes me want to vomit
disney this weekend
I don't want my birthday to come anymore
exciting
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| goddamn!! |
[10 Sep 2006|12:34am] |
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mood |
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 ecstatic |
] |
Awesome later half of day/ all night!!
ANDREW IS FUCKING AMAZING
How did I luck out and get THE most perfect boyfriend in the whole universe.
Everything feels so awesome and seriously...
I can't stop smiling.
I'm all giggles and happy!
AHHH it feels so weird!!
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| this tiredness is like a wave |
[09 Sep 2006|12:27pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 dorky |
] |
Seriously, this being tired thing is consuming me.
I'm borderline exhausted.
I need to go to school today and do the stupid lab.
Thank goodness it's only an hour.
Then I have to run some errands.
Probably come home, do homework and sleep a bit.
I think Andrews calling me later about tonight.
HELLZ YAHHH!
I'm silly.
But I hope I can see him today.
He's my reason to smile.
I'm super happy we're together.
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| head stands for sale |
[07 Sep 2006|01:40pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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blah |
] |
| [ |
music |
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le tigre |
] |
I was watching this special about Russian Head Stands.
You can get the one you love decapitated after their death and buy a lovely head stand for you to display in almost any room of your choosing!
Sick.
I'm not in a very good mood.
Not sure why in all honesty.
Caleb is having his party tonight.
I think I'll go, but dressed as Charlie Chapman.
Should be fun.
Why does everything have to be in Miami?!
Anyways, these posts don't matter.
I need to do my lab hours but I think I'll just do it Saturday because I'm fucking tired as hell now.
I really don't feel well.
Yuck.
I think there's something going around.
I hope I'm not feeling this way later or tomorrow.
Tomorrow is Andrew day
The best kind of day in the world.
Wake up early, pick him up, and come home.
Hellz yeah
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| Oblongs |
[06 Sep 2006|07:58am] |
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mood |
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 anxious |
] |
These posts aren't for really anyone.
No one really reads them.
No one really cares.
Just me.. more of a reference for me.
The first thing I ever watched with Andrew was Daniel Tosh.
The second thing, while we were in bed.. was the Oblongs.
Yesterday was one of those days that feel like the first day.
Andrew called out of the blue and we talked.
We talked like we always do. We catched up like bestest of friends and talked about the things that we always do.
Everything and then some.
It was a great feeling to have before class that I was loved and missed by the only person that matters in the world to me.
I was going to a stupid Toastmasters meeting for extra credit in Miami and I almost cried when he asked to see me.
It was the sweetest thing, ever.
He never knows how the little things mean so much to me.
But that even made my heart smile.
So, I picked him up and got butterflies in my stomach.
I was so happy to see him, it was like the first time.
He looked gorgeous as always and we went to Fridays for dinner.
I love talking with him.
He really is my best friend.
He understands me better than anyone else and loves me tons.
I love him so much and I can't see anyone else when he's near.
We talked things out and I did the chicken thing to do and didn't say what was really wrong.
I did act weird all night because I had to tell him I did something really fucked up.
I was so scared of losing him, that I lost him.
I was too wrapped up in how I felt that I didn't consider how he would feel if I waited or worse he found out from someone else.
I've had pride in the trust levels him and I have earned, but now it really feels like I've fucked up too big to fix things.
I know he loves me a lot and I know it's going to suck if we break up.
But he has every right.
When I tried to tell him why to stay with me.. the best I could say was there's more bad then good.
Woopdidoo right?
Yeah, that's what I thought when I got off the phone.
I guess this is for Andrew too..
I'm sorry.
It sucks to learn a lesson that makes you not like yourself. Make yourself doubt if at any point you're capable of being a good person.
But this will stick with me forever.
All I can think about now is how dumb it was. How I wish I didn't do it.
But I did, and thats what I really have to learn from.. and sadly enough Ive learned a lesson the hard way.
I hope we don't break up because I've never had feelings for anyone as I do you.
The thing I can easily say I'm most proud of in my life is having Andrew as my best friend and even more importantly, a boyfriend.
I really fucked up, but I can't even put into words how sorry I am.
Today's going to be a tuff day.
I hope things work out for the best.
I understand if we do, but will be unexplainably happy if we don't.
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| almost 11 |
[04 Sep 2006|10:52pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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crushed |
] |
It's almost 11.
Andrew never called back.
I've recieved an F for the assignment.
But weird thing is, that's not what I'm most upset about.
He's not only m boyfried, but my best friend.
Why would he do this?
Why would he let me down?
He said he would call and didn't.
This really fucking blows.
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| ahhh |
[04 Sep 2006|01:47pm] |
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mood |
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 stressed |
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I'm freaking out about this assignment.
If I don't get Andrew and do his part of the interview I'll fail.
Ms. Steele made it perfectly clear that if we fail this assignment, we're pretty much "fucked."
I have no problem doing all the extra credit I can, it's just I really wanted an A in all my classes.
It really sucks.
I'm working hard and trying my best to think of something.
I still need more people for my Johari Window.
AHHH I'm freaking out.
My stomach is killing me.
Blah...
Back to work.
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| Okay |
[04 Sep 2006|11:03am] |
| [ |
mood |
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okay |
] |
Andrew Mattingly loves me more than anyone else.
I'm going to marry him and have his freakish little babies.
(:
Actually, I'm positive they'll be so stunning it'll make people feel bad about their kids.
Haha, I love him.
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| things can only occupy my mind for so long |
[03 Sep 2006|08:53pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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crappy |
] |
That's wrong.
Things can eat away at me for as long as they choose.
I feel quite helpless to the matter.
Theres a wrecking ball in my stomach, destroying everything in its path.
You know that lump I spoke of?
Its growing and I feel like a man.
I'm going to the movies tonight.
Hopefully I'll feel good enough to sleep tonight.
My friends will keep me calm and I suppose I'll take my mind off of it.
I'm a horrible person who fucks things up OVER AND OVER.
He said himself, this has been coming up a lot lately.
Isn't it horrible that what I keep thinking about is.. yet again, I'll have a horrible birthday.
It's not ALL I think about, but it's up there.
Thats sad.
I'm taking an F for my assignment because I don't think I can do it in a day and I doubt I'll get a response from Andrew tonight or tomorrow.
I can't believe these feelings.
Taking that F is going to fuck me over so badly.
But I'm stupid and deserve all this.
I want to talk to him so fucking badly.
I can't get over it.
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| updating a lot, I know |
[30 Aug 2006|06:22pm] |
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It might be hormones but I don't know what's going on
I have all these insecurities piling up and adding up and consuming me quite frankly.
I wish I could be closer to Andrew.
Closer to someone besides Rob.
I don't talk to Andrew as much as I wish.
This is really fucking hard.
I need to talk to him.
This is going to be bad.
I'll sleep a bit before I say something stupid.
I'm stupid...
What the hell am I saying all this for?
Andrew is perfect.
Fuck
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| windy city |
[30 Aug 2006|10:53am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 content |
] |
| [ |
music |
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beck |
] |
So hopefully things will be open today.
I was going to go to the mall and pick up some stuff.
I need to take a shower and I should work on some homework.
But then again, I shouldn't work too far ahead.
Oh well. Just means less cramming I suppose.
No word from Andrew.
Maybe today... maybe. ::fingers crossed::
I've been working out a lot and my stomach hurts.
I think it hurts because of other things as well.
I made pancakes this morning.
They were fluffy and yummy. (:
Well, today I'm calm.
I got a lot to do.
So, staying occupied should help keep my mind from wanting to rip in two.
Alec Baldwin was in Beetlejuice, that's so weird.
I miss Andrew, a lot.
I can't wait to hear from him.
Well, before I start today.. I think I'll take a nap.
(: I'm silly.
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| damnit |
[29 Aug 2006|11:54pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 embarrassed |
] |
I feel really dumb for calling so much
damnit
whatever, he's my boyfriend.. he loves me no matter how dumb I can be
(:
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| weird |
[29 Aug 2006|11:54am] |
| [ |
mood |
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crappy |
] |
It's weird how updating my livejournal can actually make me feel better.
It helps release all these negative or even positive thoughts racing through my head.
I've been worrying so much that I can feel a deep-seeded chest pain.
I've had so many bad experiences when I can't get ahold of people, that I have a panic attack when it occurs now.
And let me tell you, I've had so many pretzels lately I feel like I'm going to puke pretzels and salt for years.
But thats beside the point.
I've been going through a lot without anyone to really talk too.
I've had a lot of fear, frustration, and insecurities running through me.
I only have my mom to talk too.
I love her, but she's rarely the one I WANT to talk too.
So, that brings me to now.
I'm slowly getting over the fact that I can rarely get ahold of Andrew.
It'll take a lot of adjustment from me, but I know I can do it.
I have to find that inner strength and pull it through.
And I keep comforting myself, saying everythings okay.. maybe somethings wrong with his phone..
I don't know.
That can really only work for so long.
But this is so hard for me.
You know?
I mean, he's my BEST friend.
It's just hard, thats what it boils down too.
I really want to hear him say I love you.
It'd make things a lot better.
I'm just really sad right now.
I hope it goes away soon and I talk to him today.
I miss him soo soo sooo much, he's my love.
But I won't let this stop me from loving him unconditionally.
Seeing him and talking to him is worth it.
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